Understanding the Haynes book (aka Manual)

Understanding the Haynes book of lies (aka Manual)
 


Haynes Manual's Explained

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7…
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry…
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…

Haynes: Undo…
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring…
Translation: PINGGGG – "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
Translation: OK – that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a band-aid or two).

Haynes: Lightly…
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks…
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance…
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this… so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number… but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your motor bike for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK – but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this…
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress…
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some visegrips and a hammer…

Haynes: Inspect…
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully…
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut…
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant…
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs…
Translation: Snap off…

Haynes: Using a suitable drift…
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.